Arhiv za kategorijo up close & personal

Perpetual Motion

Aprila bo minilo 6 let, odkar sem zapustila gnezdo in se prvič zares spoprijela z življenjem. Z vsemi fizičnimi aspekti življenja, ki se zdijo tako samoumevni, dokler so vajeti v tujih rokah, ko pa enkrat pristaneš za krmilom, ugotoviš, da vse le ni tako enostavno kot izgleda.

V teh 6 letih sem kar 8-krat zamenjala naslov; 5 naslovov v Ljubljani, 2 v Domžalah1  in 1 celo v Mariboru. In čez dober mesec ga bom zamenjala ponovno. Če mi do selitve uspe še diplomirati ali vsaj dokončati diplomo2, bo zmagoslavje še večje.

I feel it’s time for a change. And I feel I am more ready for the coming change than I’ve ever been in my life. It is a perpetual motion and for a while it felt like I was going round in circles. But now I’m finally moving forward, upward even. And so the journey continues… :)

  1. pravzaprav je bil naslov isti v dveh različnih obdobjih [that's all]
  2. zagovor lahko pride naknadno [that's all]
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32

You would have been 32 years old today. And this is all I have to remember you by.

Happy Birthday.

flyby

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Jueves

YouTube slika preogleda

Si fuera más guapa y un poco más lista, (if I were more beautiful and a bit smarter)
si fuera especial, si fuera de revista, (if I was special, if I was from a magazine)
tendría el valor de cruzar el vagón (I’d have the courage to cross the cart)
y preguntarte quién eres. (and ask you who you are)

Te sientas enfrente y ni te imaginas (you sit in front and don’t even know)
que llevo por ti mi falda más bonita (that I’m wearing my best dress for you)
y al verte lanzar un bostezo al cristal (when I see you fog the window with your breath)
se inundan mis pupilas. (my eyes well up)

De pronto me miras, te miro y suspiras, (suddenly you look at me, I look at you and you sigh)
yo cierro los ojos, tú apartas la vista, (I close my eyes, you look away)
apenas respiro, me hago pequeñita (I can barely breathe, I make myself small)
y me pongo a temblar. (and start to shiver)

Y así pasan los días de lunes a viernes (that’s how our days go from Monday to Friday)
como las golondrinas del poema de Bécquer, (like the doves in Bécquer’s poem)
de estación a estación enfrente tú y yo (from stop to stop, between you and me)
va y viene el silencio. (the silence comes and goes)

De pronto me miras, te miro y suspiras,
yo cierro los ojos, tú apartas la vista,
apenas respiro, me hago pequeñita
y me pongo a temblar.

Y entonces ocurre, despiertan mis labios, (and that’s when it happens, my lips wake up)
pronuncian tu nombre tartamudeando, (they stutter your name)
supongo que piensas que chica más tonta (you must think what a silly girl)
y me quiero morir. (and I just want to die)

Pero el tiempo se para, te acercas diciendo: (but time stands still, you come closer saying:)
“Yo no te conozco y ya te hechaba de menos. (I don’t even know you and I already missed you)
Cada mañana rechazo el directo (every morning I skip the direct)
y elijo este tren.” (and take this train instead)

Y ya estamos llegando, mi vida ha cambiado, (we’re almost arriving, my life has changed)
un día especial este once de Marzo. (such a special day, this March 11)
Me tomas la mano, llegamos a un túnel (you take my hand, we come to a tunnel)
que apaga la luz. (and the lights go out)

Te encuentro la cara, gracias a mis manos, (I find your face, thanks to my hands)
me vuelvo valiente y te beso en los labios. (I find the courage and kiss your lips)
Dices que me quieres y yo te regalo (you tell me you love me and I give you)
el último soplo de mi corazón. (the last breath of my heart)

This song brings me to tears every time. And it’s not because it’s a tribute to terrorist victims1, but because it deals with one of my greatest fears; finding what I’m looking for too late.

  1. of the March 11, 2004 Madrid train bombings [that's all]
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Desire

I lifted my eyes for just a moment… after months of staring at the empty pavement beneath my feet. And I caught a glimpse of what could become a desire. I let my guard down, let my mind wander for no more than a second, but it filled the emptyness faster than I ever could have anticipated.

desire

desire

I guess desire like certain other elements of nature, spreads wherever it finds an empty space…and God knows I have emptyness to spare.

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That Song…

…it inevitably reminds me of you. It drags me back to that seemingly endless moment, bringing back memories so vivid it’s hard to believe that’s all they are.

It was a Sunday. I was wearing black, how ironically convenient… The door bell rang, my mother called my name; there was something so ominous in her voice it sent shivers down my spine. The sight of the three of them, looking so much older than they should have; we were kids. Their words sent me into a semi-histeric laughter at first as my mind struggled to wrap itself around the idea . Then tears started running… and they just kept coming.

I spent the whole day in my room playing that particular song. I remembered you so clearly then; hearing that song I still do today. You lying with you head in my lap, looking up at me, smiling… your eyes, your hair, you voice…

We’re not kids anymore; life has by now thrown us curveballs far beyond anything we could have imagined back then. And we thought life was hard then.

I wonder what you’d say now, all these years later, about what pushed you over. Would it still matter enough to give your life up for it? Or would you be here, lying with your head in my lap, laughing at how silly we were back then?

YouTube slika preogleda

Can you hear me, can you hear me,
through the dark night, far away…

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Self-Discovery

I have never really been on my own. I have never before had to rely on nobody but myself. Never had both the freedom and the obligation to focus all my attention on nobody but myself.

I have never really looked at myself before; not closely enough to notice that my face had completely lost those childlike features that seemed to be there just a moment ago. That moment was 10 years ago.

I have never really noticed how much I’ve grown. I have reinvented myself so many times, both physically and psychologically, I don’t even recognize the earlier versions of myself. Like it wasn’t me who was going through all those notions. Like I’m nothing but an observer of a life so foreign to who I am now I can’t even call it my own anymore.

I have never really taken the time to get to know the people I’ve been… I never thought it would be so hard to understand someone you spend so much time with.

I am both the author and the work in progress, watching myself unravel before my own eyes, astonished by what’s becoming of this once shapeless blob, amazed at my own creation with the purest enthusiasm of a child discovering his own hands for the first time.

I am...

photo: Valorie Burton

I am a Miracle, a work of Art, a child of God… I am anything and everything. I am.

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White

Utrujena sem. Utrujena od ničesar, od ničevosti vsega, kar me obdaja. Utrujena od prestopanja na mestu, od hrepenenja po neotipljivem, od nenehne želje, da si ne bi želela. To neskončno iskanje nečesa, kar bi vsemu ostalemu dalo smisel, ki zgolj jemlje, daje pa ne.

Ogromna bela soba brez oken, brez luči, pa vendar zaslepljujoče svetla. Brez ene same sence, v kateri bi se lahko skrivalo Nepričakovano. Brez vhoda, skozi katerega bi lahko vstopilo Upanje ali vsaj izstopil Brezup. Brez vidnih znanilcev časa, ki bi opozarjali na zamujene trenutke ali obljubljali prihodnost. Le neskončna belina.

White Room

foto: Katherine Du Tiel

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Trying Times

This is not a good time to be gay – in public.

Vsako leto se v tem času zaradi povečane izpostavljenosti queer problematike pojavi tudi določen odpor, antipropaganda, sovražni govor… ampak še nikoli tako ostro in tako1 nasilno. Verjetno tudi zaradi Družinskega zakonika, ki je poskrbel, da smo “pedri in lezbe”2 na tapeti že več mesecev. In glede na zavlačevanje naše ljube desnice bomo tam verjetno ostali še kar nekaj časa.

Odkrito priznam, da imam neprijeten občutek ob vsem tem dogajanju in da se letos prvič malo bojim, da bo izkupiček parade še hujši kot tistih nekaj posameznikov, ki ponavadi “pokasijo batine” pozno zvečer, ko se domoljudni heroji v večjih skupinah ter v varnem zavetju noči spravljajo na nič hudega sluteče posameznike.

Ampak jutri je Parada ponosa in čeprav se ob vsem nasilju in sovraštvu, ki smo ju bili deležni zadnje čase, ne počutim ravno VARNE, sem zdaj še bolj odločena, da se je udeležim. Ker če ostanem(o) doma, so strahopetni nestrpneži zmagali… In takšnega zadovoljstva jim nikakor ne privoščim; kot je rekel Roman Kuhar – PEDER NE POZEBE! :P

foto: Stonewall.org.uk

  1. tudi fizično [that's all]
  2. se opravičujem, če ta izraz izključuje ostale nianse mavrice, ampak to ni moj izraz, služi zgolj kot karikatura [that's all]
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Double Standards Much?

Zadnjih nekaj dni skozi debato preko komentarjev na različnih blogih na temo novega družinskega zakonika opažam, kako oportunistični s(m)o ljudje.

Da pojasnim; medtem ko širša javnost, vključujoč nekatere politike, udriha po “meni” in “meni podobnih” in se nasploh poslužuje najnizkotnejših poimenovanj in podtikanj pri diskreditiranju homoseksualcev kot potencialnih “normalnih ljudi”, kamoli dobrih staršev, nam po drugi strani v diskurzu javnost očita “nastrojenost”, “sovražnost” in “nestrpnost”.

Je res tako čudno, da me po vsem, kar preberem / slišim / občutim na lastni koži, mineva potrpljenje? In da me na trenutke prime nepopisna želja, da bi samo še kričala na ljudi, ki kot fijakerski konji ne vidijo onkraj plašnic?! Ki selektivno zaznavajo informacije iz okolice, se oklepajo arhaičnih stereotipov kot pijanci plota in me v isti sapi neprenehoma žalijo kot OSEBO1?

Trudim se, res se trudim, ohraniti nek spoštljiv nivo komunikacije, ampak na trenutke to pač ni mogoče. In takrat pa ljudje s takšnim veseljem skočijo v zrak in pokažejo s prstom na “nestrpno lezbačo”, ki od drugih zahteva spoštovanje, sama ga pa ne zna dati.

Postavite se enkrat malo v mojo kožo; pa da vidimo, kako dolgo se boste vi lahko smehljali.

Pulling Hair

  1. pustimo homoseksualnost ob strani za trenutek [that's all]
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Sigh Of Relief

Predlog novega Družinskega zakonika je bil potrjen na prvem branju.

vir: Narobe

Po celodnevnem čakanju na glasovanje, si končno lahko oddahnemo. Vsem nebulozam, kvazi komičnim vložkom določenih Slovenceljnev in ostalim trikom navkljub, je bil predlog sprejet. Zdaj grem pa lahko mirno spat…

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