Arhiv za kategorijo D.O.S.

Desire

I lifted my eyes for just a moment… after months of staring at the empty pavement beneath my feet. And I caught a glimpse of what could become a desire. I let my guard down, let my mind wander for no more than a second, but it filled the emptyness faster than I ever could have anticipated.

desire

desire

I guess desire like certain other elements of nature, spreads wherever it finds an empty space…and God knows I have emptyness to spare.

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Self-Discovery

I have never really been on my own. I have never before had to rely on nobody but myself. Never had both the freedom and the obligation to focus all my attention on nobody but myself.

I have never really looked at myself before; not closely enough to notice that my face had completely lost those childlike features that seemed to be there just a moment ago. That moment was 10 years ago.

I have never really noticed how much I’ve grown. I have reinvented myself so many times, both physically and psychologically, I don’t even recognize the earlier versions of myself. Like it wasn’t me who was going through all those notions. Like I’m nothing but an observer of a life so foreign to who I am now I can’t even call it my own anymore.

I have never really taken the time to get to know the people I’ve been… I never thought it would be so hard to understand someone you spend so much time with.

I am both the author and the work in progress, watching myself unravel before my own eyes, astonished by what’s becoming of this once shapeless blob, amazed at my own creation with the purest enthusiasm of a child discovering his own hands for the first time.

I am...

photo: Valorie Burton

I am a Miracle, a work of Art, a child of God… I am anything and everything. I am.

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White

Utrujena sem. Utrujena od ničesar, od ničevosti vsega, kar me obdaja. Utrujena od prestopanja na mestu, od hrepenenja po neotipljivem, od nenehne želje, da si ne bi želela. To neskončno iskanje nečesa, kar bi vsemu ostalemu dalo smisel, ki zgolj jemlje, daje pa ne.

Ogromna bela soba brez oken, brez luči, pa vendar zaslepljujoče svetla. Brez ene same sence, v kateri bi se lahko skrivalo Nepričakovano. Brez vhoda, skozi katerega bi lahko vstopilo Upanje ali vsaj izstopil Brezup. Brez vidnih znanilcev časa, ki bi opozarjali na zamujene trenutke ali obljubljali prihodnost. Le neskončna belina.

White Room

foto: Katherine Du Tiel

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Ghost

Yesterday I saw a ghost. The sighting was brief and it took me a moment to realize what I was looking at, but… when I did realize, it made some undefined part of my body twist in an unnatural way. Maybe it was my stomach. Maybe it was my heart. Maybe it was just my imagination…

The dead should be left where they belong; burried deep in the soils of the past…

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Reinvention

Včeraj sem si v okviru LIFFE-a ogledala Almodóvarjev film “Los Abrazos Rotos“. Čeprav sem bila rahlo skeptična, se je film na koncu izkazal za zelo zanimivega. Daleč od tega, da bi se smatrala za poznavalca, ampak moja čisto subjektivna sodba je, da je film zelo gledljiv.

Takoj na začetku se nam glavni lik Harry Caine / Mateo Blanco predstavi in pove, da je v nekem drugem času obstajal kot Mateo in da je bil Harry njegov “stage name”, vendar ga je nek dogodek v preteklosti prisilil, da je opustil svojo real life persono ter prevzel identiteto svojega alter ega. The reinvention of self.

Dan pred tem je kolega povedal nekaj podobnega o sebi; ko sta se s partnerjem razšla, je opustil vse, kar ga je v danem trenutku definiralo – pobrisal svoj blog, začel spet jesti meso1, začel kaditi… V danem kontekstu je spomin na svoje lastne izkušnje neizogiben…

We all change in the face of tragedy. The damaged part of us must die so we can be reborn. As a different person(a).

YouTube slika preogleda
  1. prej je bil vegetarijanec [that's all]
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Dissolution Of Self [part 2]

Wasn’t it supposed to make me grow? To build me as I gave myself to you, to reinforce me as I became increasingly entangled in you? Was it always going to end like this? You, walking away with everything including myself? And me, stripped naked of all I was ever going to be?

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Dissolution Of Self [part 1]

Despite all your efforts there is one person in this world you cannot escape; yourself.

I despise the monster I’ve become yet find myself inevitably tied to it; I cannot reform it nor escape it. I am forced to live with it, my will to live diminished to the point where I’d rather strangle myself than spend another senseless day in its company. It scares me, this lack of control.

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